Urban dictionary told me it’s kinda like a fwb thing. Which is weird but makes sense. But it wasn’t the meaning I associated this term with.

Some time in January, my girlfriend and I were getting late evening munchies in the Old Quarters, and she said our relationship is a situationship – as in, if it hadn’t been for Covid, she would have been in the UK, and we wouldn’t have even met.

As she’s on her way to the UK to finish university, and maybe work there too, I can’t help but remembering that moment again. It has always been kinda understood, that we will be facing this grand distance when she gets to leave, and things probably won’t work out. And that’s fine and all, but now that the time has come, it still feels a bit too soon.

I remember leaving the US last year. My then ex girlfriend came visited around end of June, and she had always known that I would eventually leave that summer, since I couldn’t find a work visa. A day or two after she came, I got my notification, saying that I’m leaving next week.

That’s too soon Minh.

It did feel like there was just not enough time. There was always a time limit, is what she described dating me when I was unsure if I could stay in the US to work.

And now that feeling comes back again. In hindsight, there was always a time limit, and I know of it already. I think it was mostly me ignoring it, and just enjoying the presence.

Which is good. It’s always been something I struggle with. I like to look back at the past and soap about how I wish I had done this or that, and look forward to the future, thinking I need to do this to get that in my life.

It would have been great, I think, if Covid lockdown didn’t happen, and I get to enjoy some more time with her. I never realized that time was the last, until it is. Being presence is good, until I get hit with a sense of powerlessness.

I’m reminded again that despite being relatively okay and functional, there are things beyond my control. My birth nationality, my status in the community, others feelings. Those can be made into something to my liking, but it’s an uphill battle and there is no guarantee to work.

And it’s frightening, being reminded that I have a limit. Quite some limit, to be exact.

One of my close friends used to say you gotta play with the hand you’re dealt. And that’s true. But I can’t help feeling like it’s an impossible tasking when dealt a 2-7 offsuit in poker.

Feelings too shall pass. I’ll eventually be fine, til the next crappy event happens, then the next sunshine event, then so on. The best I can do is to work on myself, and hopefully that increases the percentage of success in getting what I want out of life. I’ll start with studying GRE, I guess.